You know, all my life, I wanted to be a Mum. That was all. I didn't want a high flying career, loads of money, flash cars, anything like that. I just wanted kids and a car big enough to get them to all their activities.

I had this dream that my kids would be well behaved, polite, helpful around the house, respectful, studious...

Ha!

I am a crappy mother, because my kids are anything but the description above.

My littlest one refused to go to playgroup this morning, refused in fact to get out of bed. In the end I lifted her and put her on the couch, brought her breakfast through to find she was back in bed. She eventually got peeled off me at playgroup and I am now sitting here ridden with guilt for making her go.

The middle child didn't bother telling me that she had used the last school t-shirt and she was now out of anything resembling a school uniform. That was at about 8.20 this morning. Naturally, this was my fault, and she proceeded to scold me, loudly, about being useless at keeping their clothes nice. As we were about to walk out the door, she mentioned that she couldn't find shoes, packed lunch or reading bag. Not that she minded, I think, because she was sitting on the bench in the hall playing with her sister's etch-a-sketch.

The oldest one was with a pal of mine and her son at the park last evening while middle child had her swimming lesson. On being told to stay away from the burn, what do both boys do? The exact opposite, even taking to balancing on the wee row of tree stumps beside said burn, and ultimately - you guessed it - falling in. Cue the complete ruination of the last pair of half decent trainers. He also found, just as we were walking out the door, that his school uniform top was nowhere to be found, and has attended school in one scavenged from the laundry pile.

I had to do breathing exercises before I got in the car to drive them to school (far too late this morning to walk). My hands were shaking, my heart was pounding, and I now have a mega-headache.

I hate mornings like this. Who stole those beautiful well presented and polite kiddies and replaced them with demon-children-from-hell?!?

Oh, no - sorry - I forgot ... it is all MY fault.