Purple Dragon

God, I've had a shitty day.

First thing, I found that Pixie was poorly, so I had to take her to the vets.

Then I spent the rest of the morning cleaning and tidying the snooker room. For some reason, seemingly overnight, it became a dumping ground for stuff that needed put away. The top of the snooker table wasn't actually visible with things that needed something done with them. So, I put up pictures, threw away junk, sorted out the charity shop stuff, put my filing in a pile on top of the filing cabinter (no - not lazy - just lacking filing pockets), pulled out the couch and found loads of jigsaw puzzle pieces, then vacuumed, dusted and soaked up puppy puddles that seemed to appear every time I turned my back.

Then it was a quick lunch, find the swimming gear for the kids, and off to playgroup duty. I hate playgroup duty. That was the only benefit of being poorly recently - not being well enough to do duty. Unfortunately, I can't get out of it now, but believe me - when I was sitting eating my lunch, I was thinking I might not manage to help deal with 20+ 3-year olds all afternoon.

Went and registered Rachel for nursery. How did she ever get old enough to get registered for nursery?? I'm happy that she will be expanding her horizons, but - for goodness sakes - it doesn't seem like a couple of months ago that I birthed her!

Then it was straight off to swimming lessons. I had to pay for the next group of sessions They pay in blocks of 10 usually, but today it was an 11 block - £61. Today's pay-outs are certainly adding up!

By this time, I was really starting to flag. My chest is sore and I am feeling really really tired. Fatigued. My bones feel like they are made of lead all of a sudden. I had forgotten how bloody awful it feels, feeling like this.

The kids finished their lessons, and we got back in the car. I got my seatbelt caught in the door, so I opened it again, dragged the belt in, and then slammed the door. Unfortunately, my fingers were still IN the door. How I managed it I don't know. It was my right hand in the door frame and I used my left to slam the door. The noise was dreadful - a really loud cracking noise. I thought I had broken the bones in four fingers. I sat in the drivers seat and sobbed my heart out. Poor kids were totally freaked. I sobbed most of the way home. Fortunately it is an automatic car, or I wouldn't have been able to drive.

My poor hand is still throbbing, and is kinda numb. It isn't swollen or anything, and I am managing to type no bother, and I can bend the fingers, so I'm not damaged - just a bit bruised. Bloody hurt though!

So, the minute I typed the first sentence of this post, Rachel wandered up to me, and I smelled his godawful smell. I thought one of the mutts had pooped, but - cut a long story short - Rachel had managed to get it all down the back of her legs. Nice.

Hopefully the rest of the evening will pass peacefully.

Took Pixie to the vets this morning. There was blood in her litter tray, and I was a bit concerned. Also, had some questions to ask because I've never had a girl cat before!

He gave her a jag for cystitis and told me to bring her back in ten days to get spayed. This morning's little jaunt cost me almost £30 and the operation will be another £50.

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

2. go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

4. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!